dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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