Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
