If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
