Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Randomize
