He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
