Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
