We're facebook friends in real life
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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