drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
