I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize