wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
