I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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