drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
3 2 1 whiskey
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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