i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
be right there i have to get my cape
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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