Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
My liver is preforming stress tests.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
