So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
