and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
