His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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