this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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