i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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