I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
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