Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
