he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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