I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
