So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
