watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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