he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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