I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
