You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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