do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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