he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
