Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize