Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
