omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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