My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
