DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize