I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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