Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
