We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I need to calm my uterus...
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Never joke about your clitoris.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
