My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
