I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
