Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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