I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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