Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
