Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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