remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize
