it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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