I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
