My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
