So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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