Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
