he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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