mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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