allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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