the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize