When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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