I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
A+ Viking dick
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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