I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
