Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
