kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
The struggles of a small town man whore
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
