i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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