This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
