I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
