Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
